Hello. It's been almost two years since I have written anything at all. Just realised that my last post on this blog was about how I was about to embark on a new journey the next day (which was the start of the new path that I have crafted for myself). I was a girl who used to be so open about my life but gradually I just begin to remove traces of my digital presence and even putting most of my accounts on private.
Anyhow, it's still so different to be typing on a laptop vs. on my phone! I actually still have quite a number of posts drafted out which I haven't got to posting yet (my concerts and trips last year) and I thought I wouldn't want to post them anymore. But I still want to keep all my concert and travel memories on this blog which I hold so dearly 'cause I did spend some time importing my old travel posts from my previous blog created back in 2005 to this current one...
Although I still want to be private about my current life, but I don't think there's anything to hide about my past and all my learning experiences since I have already left them behind. Secondly, I don't think anyone is reading this blog anymore :-)
Shall start this post with a recent photo of myself taken at the National Gallery :-) Yes. I can't believe two years later, we are facing a global pandemic... Praying hard it all goes away really really soon. I feel like I have forgotten how to write about my thoughts. I used to love writing so terribly much until 5 years ago when someone commented on how my English was bad but I never thought about how his command of English was actually on the level of terrible (so why did I even let those words of his affect me? but I guess most of what he has said affected many people). Ever since then, I never tried writing much or improving my writing skills but instead lament over the fact that my language command sucks and I will never ever reach to a decent level... I'm going to change that and I hope it's not too late.
Currently 24 turning 25 in just approximately two months. Can't believe I'm almost done with university. I'm just awaiting for my final results now and fingers crossed that it will be decent. Taking this degree was sort of a challenge I crafted for myself. I never believed in taking a degree previously because I always felt like it was just a piece of paper and it doesn't determine your worth. While I still standby this belief, I now feel that it's different for every individual because it's the mentality of yours when you are pursuing that piece of paper that matters.
If you have no interest in whatever you are studying and am just taking that piece of degree thinking that it's absolutely necessary because almost everyone has it and it's a way to get you more money, then it's just a paper for you. But if you are pursuing that piece of paper because you are genuinely interested in that subject, or you hope that there will be new opportunities opening up at the end of the road that's closer to your dreams, then it's worth it. It determines your worth in a way that you cannot see. I'm definitely no expert at this but I believe that if you are just working hard to get yourself to a better place, opportunities and money will eventually come your way. Thankful that I have also met people who I feel are currently successful who have also told me the same thing. The thing is some of them didn't come from good backgrounds and they may be forced into doing certain things in the past which may not be linked to their dreams, but their hard work was definitely rewarded in ways that's intangible (such as a strong and mature mentality).
It's just like how people with no common sense can never understand what people with common sense are talking about. That's also the very reason why people with common sense can never win against those without common sense. Not sure if it makes sense but it's that kind of mentality.
Having met people from various walks of life and also seeing the world in a different perspective for the past few years, it taught me that dreams ain't just a tangible thing or career that you are pursuing for. I feel that the people that put in the hard work, or the people that have took a chance to pursue their dream albeit in different ways, they all end up in the same place.
That place is, to be proud of yourself and what you have achieved after all the hard work that you have put in and have been through, together with your perseverance. And finally, to believe in yourself enough to take a chance and leave your comfort zone for the unknown.
To be very honest, I'm pretty proud of myself for the first time in my life. Even though I haven't achieved much as a 24 years old who's turning 25 really soon, but I'm proud of myself for who I am right now, from where I came from. Of course, I have to thank the many people that gave me opportunities albeit the toxicity or positivity that they have given off. Back then, I used to only thank the people who have given me those opportunities and I always give them way too much credit for it. Giving them the credit to the extent that I want to do everything I can just to repay them at the expense of my mental health. Until I met someone who told me to think again whether it's worth to repay them that much.
He told me that although it is true that they have given me certain opportunities in life that have brought me to a better place with even more opportunities, but there must be something that I have given them for them to even give me that opportunity in the first place.
It enlightened me in an entirely new way because I have never seen all that from this perspective before. I have been blinded by how I'm just an ordinary girl that only got to where I was because I was lucky having met certain people in my life who gave me opportunities. But I forgot that we don't just get lucky, we work hard to have received that luck in the first place. Although I wish that I can still be close with certain people that have given me opportunities, but they have taken way too much advantage of my loyalty towards them which converted into toxicity.
Having experienced all that, I'm so thankful that I have met many others in my life that have also taught me so much and given me advises selflessly even when I don't have anything much to offer. Made a mental note to myself to cherish these people dearly.
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Summing it all up, I left a place that made me a pretty depressing person from the already depressed person I was. I got even depressed when people looked at me with doubts in their eyes when I quit a job (in a seemingly industry that could earn someone a lot of money) without any future plans that I can actually reveal to them. It wasn't that I didn't want to reveal to them that I didn't had a plan, but instead I had a plan that wasn't concrete enough for me to verbalise. It's not something as simple as ABC... How do I convert them into words? I can't. It's simply doing what my heart tells me to, with my mind supporting it behind the scenes. Hearing things such as "What else can you do besides this?", "Quickly go find a job".
I couldn't answer any of that because I didn't know what I can do besides that, and I didn't know what job to find. All I knew was that I don't want to do that anymore, and I will do whatever I can to get myself into a better place even if it means suffering. All I know is that by choosing such an unconventional path, I have only myself to count on and I will definitely ensure that I can self-sustain.
It's been 3.5 years since then. Spent the first 6 months of that 3.5 years listening to people dissing me openly / in their minds. A little thankful for that though, because I think of their disses whenever I'm in a position where I want to give up and I pulled through thanks to that. Then I spent the remaining three years studying hard while getting myself into the industry where I can only dream of in the past. It's not that glamorous but I definitely like it better than whatever I was doing previously.
It's just the beginning. Although I'm proud of myself for having reached this point, but it's still just the beginning. If I don't work hard enough or appreciate this path that I have painstakingly open for the past 3.5 years, I'm definitely going to be so not proud of myself.
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Starting Phase 3 of my life in five days time, even earlier than Singapore starting Phase 3 of the Circuit Breaker hahahah. Oh God, I'm so nervous. Not that much nervous about starting Phase 3 but rather whether I can do it. It was tough during the last two phases of my life and I really don't know what to expect in Phase 3 of my life. I don't know whether I can do it. What if I disappoint all the people that have given me a chance? I don't have any special talent or anything like that and because of that, I'm so worried that I cannot meet what is expected of me.
All I can do right now is to remind myself that it's okay to fail. But it's not okay to give up after failing. I really don't know what's about to come but the thing is, I never knew what's ever going to come.
Perhaps there's nothing like failure, there's only persevering...
With that, I shall continue to persevere throughout the Phase 3 of my life while not forgetting that Phase 2 was what brought me to Phase 3 of my life. I didn't just jump from Phase 1 to Phase 3. Phase 3 would definitely not have been possible without Phase 2. Shan't go into detail else I might end up writing a book. What I meant was that I will continue to push through no matter what goes my way, while learning to appreciate the little things in my life that I have right now.
To be continued.
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