# Twenty Seventeen

Yet again, I wondered how would the year I come of age turn out to be. It seems something dramatic will happen to me every year. But it really seemed to me as if this year will stay the same throughout, never have I ever thought it would change so drastically in every aspect of my life.

Friendship. Relationship. Career. State of Mind.

It's been a crazy year. 2017 has been hell of a ride. I really cannot believe the year is ending in a week's time. I just read last year's post and I honestly thought I would end this year the same as how my life was at the end of last year. But nah.

I really don't know how to describe the events that happened this year. I guess this post will just flow naturally depending on my state of mind now. Not many will read such a long post. But I know there are people who I don't talk to anymore who are currently stalking and being all curious about my life and they might just read this. But I couldn't care less about how they feel after reading this post.

Part 1 of Twenty Seventeen

March - May has been a rather depressing period for me this year. 

Usually when I'm depressed, I would want to just sleep my day away. But this time round, I refuse to sleep despite how tired I am because I dread waking up to a new day so badly. I mostly cry myself to sleep during that period of time, and wake up the next day looking as if I'm just living each day as it used to be. As fine as I could be. Worse is, I have people ranting about their lives every single day to me. Not one, but many.

I want to shut them out, but I always thought that everyone needs at least someone they can rant to. Just don't let it affect my mood and it will be alright. But no, it will definitely affect my mood cause I'm experiencing 50% of their emotions from them telling them to me. I'm really not a one ear in and another ear out person. I guess there are people who could do that, but I wasn't born like that. I was born a really emotional person. And yes, this year I have finally conceded to that fact.

I try my best to be positive, but my negative vibes catches up really fast. That's just who I am. I always try to change that aspect of myself. But now I know I can't. 

For a person like me, the only way is to shut everyone out. The ones who stay would know me and love me for who I am. They will know there are just times when I'll just go missing in action but after a few days of recuperating my mental state, I'll reply to them. But not everybody would understand that. I have many friends, but it's too hard for a person like me to keep all of them close by.

I do lie a lot. There are days when I just want some time alone, but because someone's else depressed, I don't want to hurt their feelings so I lie that I'm busy. It's different when you say you are busy rather than 'Sorry, I just don't want to go out today'. The people I'm really close to are probably the only ones I would tell that to. But I won't do that to my close friends who are definitely more depressed than the norm.

This year the most important thing that I have learnt is to leave. Simply just leave. 20 years, I'm always the person sticking around. If other people are affecting me, I think about them more than myself. Until the point that they triggered me that I try to slowly drift away.

Sometimes, we have to care about our own being rather than others. There are people who will always be there for you because they love you for who they are. But for others, you can sense that bit of selfishness they have for wanting you in their lives. Other than that, there are people who might not keep you because of any ulterior motives but they are just a little toxic at that point of time.

But you don't notice who are the toxic ones until they say something that trigger you to notice. You will know it when it happens.

South Korea

I went to Korea with an honestly very depressed mind. I didn't know what to do in my life. I hated waking up every day. I thought of Korea to be an escapism. A trip I can just calm my soul and think through things. A break so that I can come back feeling happy again. I didn't want to tell anyone how depress I was because they couldn't make things better for me anyway. It's up to me in the end...

During the first few days of the trip, it was going good. I really felt like I was taking a break till I got triggered one night. I know I was being sensitive on my end but I just couldn't control myself. I started thinking more of what kind of person I am. How else more shitty I was.

Oh but the solo trip to the North and South Korea border was still one of the best thing of the year! It was really educational and I felt a little bit more enlightened after that. 

Malaysia

I went back to Singapore feeling even more lost than I really am. So I made an impromptu trip to Penang the following month cause Yilin suggested it and it's one of the cheapest option to get away again. I enjoyed myself a lot for that 3 days 2 night. Not thinking about anything much. I became positive to the point that I thought I could endure things for another year.

But the moment I came back. I never noticed but my mum did. My mood went downhill. So she made me finally decide to make a decision on that particular day itself.

So. I quitted my job just 2 hours after I reached home. Funny how 2 hours before I was thinking how I want to last another year. I stayed till July though. I was honestly happier after making that decision though. 

So the first half of the year was just me being depressed and lost the whole time. I didn't really know what was going on with myself either. I thought I was happy with life because there's nothing to be sad for. So the moment I felt all that I was feeling, I hated myself. I have no reason to be depress, but I felt like shit. The whole point is no one could help me but myself. I kept going out in the first 2-3 months for 2017 so it didn't felt that bad. Then the subsequent months I just kind of went missing once again. 

So here goes,

Part 2 of Twenty Seventeen

I had my plans from August onwards, but as usual plans change overtime. Once again my biggest concern was definitely reality and it's consequences. Honestly, every month I have somehow been saving as if knowing this day would come. I guess the reason why I could even make the decision I made was because I was prepared all along for this day to come. 

People might think it's a matter of fact of finding a new job. 

But nah, other than the fact that my previous place was depressing for me (the environment is just not for me I guess, not trying to defame anyone or anything), I hated the job itself. I have been asking myself this question for a year, 'Do I still have to be a developer 15 year later?' 

Anyway the first 2 months after I quit was just catching up with the life I have missed while just being a depressed fuck wasting my weekends away. I did quite a number of things, meet all my favourite people and met someone.

Australia

All along, I have been roughly telling Linnette about me feeling like shit but she was so far away so I didn't really tell her in detail. All along I was planning a trip to Melbourne 'cause she's staying there. Never thought I would end up booking my flight there to heal myself. So I booked my flight the day after I quitted? HAHAHA. I think I haven't even spoke to my boss officially yet. I made up my mind.

So I flew to Melbourne in November to leech off her apartment hehehe. Thanks friend for giving me your room for those days I was there :-) It was a good trip. Just doing things at my own pace, not having to rush for anything. I guess I've found the sort of trips I want to go on. I went to Gold Coast for a couple of days in between to meet someone. It was an emotional trip but I guess I cleared up many things I have been wondering for years that couldn't get off my mind. It's all good and done now thought it fucked me up a little when I came back.

Indonesia

Just a couple of days after I came back to Singapore, I had to make a trip to Dumai to accompany my parents for my paternal grand-uncle's funeral. Never thought I would fly to such a rural place for a funeral of a relative. It was such an eye opening trip though it was just for 3 days 2 nights. It's like I was being time machined to the 50s/60s. Had so much trouble going there though 'cause we had to change flights and so on. I swear the next time if I have to go there again, I would just take a ferry even though it would cost me half the day.

Okay so finally we are down to December. Life's all good now. Not that lost, but still lost. Happier definitely, my depressed level went down by 70%.

Just a couple of days ago, an idol I seen in reality twice passed away due to depression. I might not be a huge fan of him cause he's not my bias. Some people still blame him for ending his life just like that. There are some people trying to use this issue as an awareness. But I guess it's possible, for nothing much bad to be happening in your life anymore. But because of your constant thoughts, constant wonder about your future, how you are not talented, how you cannot be better. Too much of those thoughts can take a toll on you.

In a spur of a moment, you just seek death. Darkness. Black out. Not having to think of anything anymore. You wouldn't bother about how many in this world still care about you in that moment. Because they would never feel what you're feeling. Even if they do, they can't take it away just like that. The most they can say is, 'There are others worst off, you don't deserve to feel this way" or "Things will get better".

Which is probably why I do not say things like that, and I try to put myself in people's shoes too often, till I get more affected than I already am.

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Anyway, this year I really learn to love myself a bit more. There will never be a win-win solution in life. I love myself a little bit more, I hurt others in the process. I love myself a little bit lesser, and I end up getting even more hurt. But the people who love you will never let you get hurt. 

Btw, I had enough of confrontations so please don't bother confronting me if anyone has a need to after reading this. I might not reply 'cause it will take a toll on me. I'll read though, if you just need me to read.

I don't intend to look back. I don't intend to take back anything I have left behind this 2017.

This year has been good though it was rather dramatic. This post is really brief even though it's a kinda long post. I just want to read this back at the end of 2017.

I have a few plans next year but it's not exactly a plan of certainty so I guess next year is filled with uncertainties for sure. Not gonna be easy but what's easy in life anyway?

All I know is that there is a limit to something. When you reach your limits, just leave. Don't hesitate else it will kill you inside out.