Haven't updated in 3 months and my time during the 3 months has been really crazy. I had many cluttered thoughts and I have never felt so unsettled in my life before. Mostly been writing in my diary else ranting to my closer friends. It's been a lot better ever since I have made that one decision which led to a few others, and which will also probably led to me making more decisions for the next one year at least.
So I have travelled to Korea in April and Penang in May. Visited the Demilitarised Zone (The Border of North Korea and South Korea) with a day tour alone and it was a really meaningful trip. I'll probably update on it soon when I finally have some alone time a couple of months later.
The day I came back from Penang was the day I made the first decision. Nothing new but as usual, when I have an idea or something hits me, I can't just beat around the bush and I have got to do it.
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If I can't see myself being happy with a person in the next 5 years or more, I'll definitely leave even though it would hurt me so bad, since I'm already hurting. It just takes that one moment for me to do it. If I start to dislike someone, you will never see me making the effort anymore. If I decide this is something I'll definitely do in the future, or can see myself doing, then I won't hesitate but to do it.
There's been many who asked if I will regret my decision, if I'm sure about it. Regret? I will definitely regret if I beat around the bush and wait till it's too late for me to even do anything. I'm a person that have constant thoughts 24/7, what makes you think I'm not sure before I came to a conclusion? Why ask me when you know I'll still do it? Perhaps there are really people who are very stubborn in this world, because I'm one of them.
There are people that have enlightened me in the past 3 months and I believe they came into my life for a reason.
I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. The process is what matters. Whether something is useful or not useful, good or bad, worth the while or not worth the while, living through those moments and persevering throughout will eventually lead to you becoming a better person, someone who has more experiences to share, someone who can give what you consider good advices to others.
What good would it be if everything goes smoothly in your life, if everything you do in life is just for the sake of leading a superficial life?
I'm hungry for knowledge that I can only get if I get out of my comfort zone. This world is definitely getting scarier and we are all so afraid of leaving our comfort zone. Perhaps thinking logically and realistically, if I'm just a typical Singaporean parent, I would also tell my kid to do something that can earn them just enough for survival in this society right now. But no, I don't want to just give up and lead a miserable and meaningless life for the rest of my life. I have to at least try before surrendering since I have got a chance to.
Just because it seems like this is the life you're going to be leading for the next 10 years, it seems like you cannot go back in time to right the wrongs, doesn't mean you can't do anything about it and should just surrender. It's because most of us thinks in this way, and because no one ever have the courage to do the things they want to do. Perhaps I may not know what I want to do yet, but I definitely know what I don't want to do. Constantly doing what you know you don't exactly like doing, just because you don't know what you want to do, won't help you in finding out what you really love doing.
Just because you are living in war times, and it seems like you'll be living your entire life in war, doesn't mean you should just not do anything about it and let the war go on. If everyone thinks in that way, the world will have endless wars and nobody will ever try to do anything to stop them.
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The only reason that will stop me from making a decision is having unanswered questions in my mind so I keep asking myself the questions over and over again in my mind and my answer varies from time to time. But at the end of the day I ask myself this one final question, why do I even question myself in the first place? What made me question myself? Only then do I get my final answer.
I have spent two decades questioning myself and doubting myself. I'm a girl with a really low self esteem and I do a lot of self-blaming. For the first time, I'm doing something because I trust and believe in myself. How can this be any worst than all the decisions I have ever made in my life? Perhaps that is why I get so frustrated lately when people ask me to question myself again and again.
You don't have to make a decision only when you know what you really want. You will never get to knowing what you really want if you don't take the first step. So please, stop expecting me to answer to all your questions. If I know the answer, I wouldn't only be twenty-one right now.
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